The Power of Presence

The Power of Presence in Early Childhood

“This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.” -Mary Oliver

For awhile now, the idea of the power of presence has been visited and revisited in my thinking about work with young children. Last year, during our professional development course, we studied play, and I learned about the concept of “watched play.” It was a familiar concept to me as a parent and a teacher of young children, because it is something that children clearly crave and need, but what I learned from the seminar is why it is valuable to children. There seems to be a common urge for adults to encourage independence in children, and unfortunately, this can get in the way of the need that children have for adults to simply be attentive. We adults can get distracted by so many things: our phones, our own needs, the needs of other children, making plans, the drive to train our children to become achievers. I hope to make a case for the power of just being there, and paying attention.

On a blog post about the gift of presence, Parker Palmer reminds us that “the human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.” I believe this sums up a child’s most basic desire: to be seen just as s/he is. As their caregivers, we can do that. Yes, there are ways that we will need to guide them, and there are boundaries they will need help with. But, we can also just be there to attend to their being and notice what they are doing and how they are doing it. Noticing who they are is a gift we can give them. Presence in this sense is more about being than doing. It is about bearing witness to who they are, about helping to carry the burden and delight of emotions, about validating and affirming. It allows for a connection between the child and attending adult that has a sort of silent power. This power gives the child the message that someone is thinking about him or her, it helps them to develop self-regulation, helps with mentalization. From the child’s perspective, this experience is interactive, even if the adult feels s/he is not “doing anything.”

Watched play can be awkward for some adults. It can feel unproductive, especially to those who tend to be driven by achievement. Some parents or teachers want to have things they can do or say to feel like they are being an active participant in the child’s development. It may be helpful to have some phrases that encourage the connection of attentiveness. In my experience, I find it helpful to make observations about what the child is doing, saying, or feeling. Simply stating it assures him or her of the adult’s presence and attentiveness. Beginning with “I notice . . . “ can be a useful way to get started. I also find the practice of saying, “thank you” to the child to be helpful. “Thank you for showing me . . . “ “Thank you for telling me that.” “Thank you for waiting,” etc.

Dr. Susan Sherkow studied the concept of “watched play,” and describes it as “a state of mutual engagement from the child’s perspective, and therefore interactive.” She found that simply the presence of an attentive adult can validate a child’s identity, and eventually help to improve their capacity to be alone. The experience for the child allows him or her to regulate their emotions and their impulses confidently. It allows the child to begin to differentiate between self and other, and to learn how to interpret and respond to others’ behaviors. In the process, the child internalizes these learned skills, which makes their eventual independence more possible.

The power that presence has on a child’s development is not just related to their play experience. Children need this presence from the adults around them when they are experiencing big emotions, too. Hand in Hand parenting teaches a concept called Staylistening. This is a method of just being with a child while s/he experiences big emotions. Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand parentings describes the need for Staylistening here:

We are so accustomed to seeing the world only from our own vantage point. If we don’t feel sad, no one else should, either. But children’s feelings are like their own personal weather system, which is affected by forces often unseen by you.

To tell your child he should feel happy when he is sad is roughly as effective as telling a rainstorm to go away. Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel so sad” or “I’ll stay right here with you while it’s hard” give your child permission to address and work through bad feelings. Phrases like “It’s only a torn paper. Quit acting like such a baby!” only shame a child. They work against your goal of helping your child rebuild his sense of well-being.

As you listen, you are not necessarily condoning your child’s feelings, nor are you spoiling him. You are helping him recover. Children cry only when they are too upset to think. Feelings of upset can overpower a child and drive him to do things that don’t make sense. As you listen, you drain the power these feelings have over your child. His own good judgment will return once you’ve listened thoroughly.

The chaotic life of a parent of young children and the atmosphere of a classroom with 10-15 young children can make it seem impossible to carve out time and space to create this kind of attentiveness. However, it can as simple as a shift in perspective about what the child needs, and about the value of what we have to give them: our presence and our attention. It doesn’t have to take long. It just requires intention.

The Pace of Play Development

The Pace of Play Development

On a recent morning in our outdoor classroom, I found myself balancing the act of being meaningfully engaged with a few of the preschoolers in my care, and periodically glancing around the yard, taking in a little field data on what all the other children were busy doing. This is a familiar state for all preschool teachers. The children with whom I was directly involved were busy experimenting with water. On a large water bin they had placed ramps of various lengths and widths, and they were pouring water down the ramps to the grass, experimenting with design and physics. In this seemingly simple act, by many of the children here, their brains were highly active.

       

Our current national academic environment is very performance-based, and that can overwhelm kids, teachers, and parents. We read and talk a lot about the push for academic performance at progressively younger ages . For many, pushing too hard academically doesn’t feel healthy. As a result, there seems to be a trend towards more acceptance of play-based learning.

I support the focus on play-based learning, and I’d also like to offer a word of caution about how play can become a performance that may get pushed too hard. Psychologists and educators have outlined six stages of play, including: Unoccupied - Random movement without intention, which is the play of an infant; Solitary - Playing alone independently; Onlooker - Watching other children without participating; Parallel - Playing side-by-side without interacting; Associative - Playing with other children, but the play is not coordinated; Cooperative - Interactive play that is highly coordinated.

Typically what we see in the preschool years is a range from Solitary to Cooperative play. It is often a goal to see a child move through all these stages, and ultimately be comfortable with Cooperative play by the end of their preschool experience. My caution is that moving through the stages of play can be rushed, resulting in the child being pushed to perform at a more advanced level before the child is ready. I’d like to explain the benefits of letting a child be in their current stage of play as needed, without pushing them to move forward before they are ready.

Solitary Play: Children need to experience solitary play, as it gives them the freedom to think, to explore, and to create, without expectations placed upon them. In solitary play, they are free to use their imaginations, they can develop physical and mental skills, and they can be fully engaged in their exploration. Many of the skills developed in this stage contribute to later learning, such as language, spatial reasoning, creativity, and abstract thinking. Children also acquire self-knowledge during this stage, a very useful life skill.

Onlooker Play: In this stage of play, children watch and are mentally engaged, even though they are not physically engaged in play with others. During this stage, important social learning takes place. Children in this stage of play are mentally practicing what it would be like to interact, priming themselves for the next stage of play.  They are taking note of the physical, social, verbal, and behavioral interactions that they witness. When children are given time to experience this stage of play at their own pace, they will proceed with more confidence and self-assurance.

Parallel Play: During parallel play children operate in their own private worlds, but in the larger context of other people and ideas. They are simultaneously observing their peers and exploring on their own. During this stage of play, they often develop new understandings about language and expression, and about social and emotional boundaries. These are vital lessons for future social and emotional learning.

Associative Play: In associative play, children play together, but not in an organized group with rules or goals in mind. Important skills learned during associative play include sharing, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Associative play allows children to try out developing beliefs about the world. This stage is important because it marks the child’s interest in peers, rather than simply the play itself. This interest is critical in leading to the development of friendship.

Cooperative Play: During this stage of play, children are motivated to play together in groups, with norms and goals in mind. They develop problem-solving skills as a group and create community. This stage of play allows children to develop a sense of purpose and leads to development of peer leadership and collaboration.

Rather than focusing on the end goal of cooperative play, it is beneficial to understand and truly value each stage of play development and to let children move through the stages at their own pace. There is no need to push a child into a more developed stage of play. A child who is still most comfortable playing alongside peers, but not yet interacting with peers, needs time and space to develop the skills of parallel play. It is important to keep in mind there may be times when children need to participate in more solitary play, even if they have reached a more advanced stage of play development. As a teacher, part of my job is to track what stage of play children are operating in and to keep the play opportunities open enough so when they are ready, they will naturally begin to move into another stage. In most cases, there is no need to push a child into social interactions that may be stressful. On occasion, a child may need encouragement to take the next step, but most of the time, it comes naturally. One of the great benefits of preschool experience is that children have ample opportunities to navigate social situations that foster all the play stages.

      

The children working at the water bin that day were deciphering how the speed of the water and the distance it traveled changed according to the length of the ramp, a lesson in engineering. They were using their fine and gross motor skills to lift, carry, and place the ramps delicately on the bin. They were using spatial reasoning to determine the most effective placement of the ramps. They were navigating the complex world of sharing space with others, which involves awareness of where their body ends in space (a skill of proprioception that develops for quite a while beyond preschool), reading their peers’ facial expressions to determine their emotional state, developing flexibility by waiting for a turn, fine-tuning verbal skills when asking for a turn, and using executive functioning to create win-win situations.

As a preschool teacher who encourages learning through play, I am accustomed to seeing through this lens. We offer these opportunities, and when we do, children find and develop their own skills. What I want readers to know is that these skills are noticed and valued, and that the beauty of it all is that the child knows how to learn these things when given the opportunity to explore. When they do, we will see and point out, which will help to make connections between experience and learning. This is a cornerstone of becoming life-long learners.

http://www.btha.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Playing-alone.pdf

https://oldweb.naeyc.org/ece/2003/02.asp

http://www.psysci.co/associative-play/

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/01/the-new-preschool-is-crushing-kids/419139/?utm_source=atlfb

YouTube: Stuart Brown: Play is More Than Fun

The Power of Play: how spontaneous, imaginative activities lead to happier, healthier children. David Elkind, PhD.

Thanksgiving

It's a long way to Kansas! We found the trip worth it. A couple special treats staying in hotels, and lots of time with many different relatives. We got to spend time with the newest baby and the oldest Oma we know! I will add more pictures later, but here is a start.

Snow Queen

M. played a daisy and Princess Dawndrell in the Snow Queen last weekend. It was a really cute version of the fairy tale.

Some quotes to remember

Q: Mommy, did you know that when you hold fastness inside your body, it just gets faster and faster?
M: No, so does that mean when you run, you run extra fast?
Q: Yes, and I've been storing up my fastness for about a week.
M: Wow, you must be getting really fast, then.
Q: Yeah, if I started running, I would run about 60 miles per hour.
M: Wow! That's fast.
Q: But, it only happens in emergencies. There has to be a real emergency for it to work.

G: Mommy, do you believe that God protects us from our fears?
M: Why don't you tell me what you believe.
G: I believe that God knows we can only overcome our fears ourselves, and that when we do, we make God more real.

M: Mommy, do you know why I like acting in plays?
M: Please tell me.
M: I like to try out being someone unlike myself and see what it's like.

October

"I'm so glad we live in a place where there are Octobers." Anne of Green Gables

This October has been all the wonderful things I think of when I think of October: Crisp mornings that turn into warm(er) afternoons; colors creeping into all parts of my vision; busy-ness, with birthdays and soccer games, play audition and practice, and now volleyball games, too. Today we took a beautiful leisurely walk through the woods, and there was so much October out there, ready to be soaked up!

If Heaven Is Made of Broken Things

I think that if heaven is made of broken things

then it must be full of beauty.

The sun must be shining on a broken heart

washed up through the cloudy mist.

And a blanket of love must wrap itself

around the heart which is broken

and nurture it until it escapes love's grasp.

Now with joy, the heart full of love

watches as the blanket of love disappears 

through the mist.

Shadows fall upon the ancient books

that have aged and broken

until the powerful fire brings light

and restores their health

so they can tell the stories that need to be told.

A ball of yarn must sit on a golden scepter

while eager angel mice come

and take bits of yarn away

to use for their nest.

I think that if heaven is made of broken things

then heaven must be new.

Mali, age 11

Mennonites

Today is Sunday, and I went to church. I sat among a group of wholesome folks, not all of them Mennonites (some Jewish, some atheist, some Brethren, etc.), but many of them in some way connected to the Mennonites, and listened to words and sang songs about finding the way of peace.

I grew up in a small, Mennonite village. As you can imagine, there was little need to define what a Mennonite was and wasn't. There was some need for that, as not everyone in the town was Mennonite. Now, I live in a much bigger town, with comparatively very few Mennos around. This means, I often find myself in conversation about what defines a Mennonite. These conversations often leave me pondering what it is about the Mennonite culture that I appreciate and want my children to know. 

Disclaimer: there are Mennonites of all sorts, and I cannot fairly make generalizations. However, the rest of this post refers to my experience growing up as a Mennonite. I just want to recognize that it may be quite different from what another Mennonite has experienced. 

Honestly, I'm not very religious, so that is not what draws me to the Mennonites. Realizing that is a significant part for many, for me it is more about who they are: what they believe about life and living, more than what they believe about scripture and theology. 

I find the Mennonites to be courageous. They are not afraid to address issues of violence and injustice. They bravely put themselves in the middle of conflict, and are intent on easing it. Justice and peace are sought after with steadfast courage locally and globally. 

I find the Mennonites to be more concerned about something being fair for someone else, than for something being fair for themselves. This didn't really come to my attention until recently.

They uphold what is simple, basic, least complicated.

I find that the Mennonites are sympathetic to those who struggle. Compassion is woven into the culture. They seem to be especially good at empathy, whether it's with the person next to them, or to a stranger on the other side of the world. 

They seem to believe that they can make a difference in the world, and so they try.

The Mennonites can SING! No going to birthday parties where everyone sings Happy Birthday in a dead, monotone voice. Expect at least 4 part harmony when the Mennonites are singing Happy Birthday (or most anything else!).

These are some of the reasons I am drawn to the idea of immersing my kids in the culture of the Mennonites. There are other reasons, like food and ritual. Sometimes it is hard to remember this, so I wanted to record it here. 

First Day

Kids are all very happy with starting and being back in school. We are so grateful for the school and teachers we have. We have a ritual for our First-Day Eve. I collect items that represent our summer onto our leaf plate. It is a centerpiece for the morning, when we eat a special breakfast by candlelight. There were some good post-First Day cuddles from boy and dog. Another thing that has come with a new school year is a first experience being on an official soccer team, with some great friends!

September at the Cabin

In the past, we have always focused on cabin time in the summer. It's lovely in the summer, as always. But this year, I discovered how much I love it there in September. We went up both Labor Day weekend and the following weekend, and it was still warm and beautiful. The swimming was fantastic, the water high. The crowds gone home.

I'd like to figure out how to stitch or group some of these photos together in clusters, so they aren't overwhelming. But for now, I'll just post them separately. If anyone has advice on this, it's welcome. Thanks!

These two like to use the kid training kayaks as paddle boards. It's so luxurious that this bay is safe enough for them to explore like this!

Never too many pictures of this scene. I love watching them explore and talk in this spot.

A girl who still loves the fairies.

My early rising paddle partners.

First fishing attempts!